


A Secret to My Heart

by ruiyeahs



Series: Heart [4]
Category: SEVENTEEN (Band)
Genre: Happy Ending, Hurt/Comfort, Idol-Verse, JunHao are safe and sound, JunHao centric, M/M, Other members are either mentioned or have small parts, Sad Junnie, They go all kissy kissy don't worry, This is not related to the other works under the HEART series, Written in Junhui's POV, fluff at the end, oblivious minghao
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-10-22
Updated: 2019-10-22
Packaged: 2020-12-28 08:14:55
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,431
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21133532
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ruiyeahs/pseuds/ruiyeahs
Summary: Junhui had a secret, one that he desperately wanted to keep from Minghao.One that greatly involved the younger Chinese male.But what happened when everything became too much for him to handle? Feelings overflowing all over the place and he had a hard time staying sane?Junhui needed to learn that keeping secrets would eventually exhaust him and led him to another problem to face.An angry Xu Minghao.





	A Secret to My Heart

He wasn't what people see.

Hidden under the happy and bubbly personality, not many people knew that Wen Junhui had the heart made of glass.

But it wasn't like the outer side of him was a lie, no. It was also a part of him but more than what he showed to the world, Junhui had his fair share of insecurities.

As one of the oldest members in SEVENTEEN, Junhui had to keep his grounds steady for his members' comfort and safety. Who would they seek when they were having troubles or sad? It would be their hyung of course.

He might seemed like he played a lot, joked around a lot and stuffs but hey, wasn't life all about work hard, play harder?

The others trusted him, obviously since he was a man of his words. He gave good advices, listened well and comforted them warmly too. Junhui's presence in the group was like something very needed and if he wasn't there, they wouldn't be a complete family anymore.

Throughout the years of becoming an idol, Junhui had learnt how frightening the world could be. He also learned that everyone had their fair share of problems, _personal_ problems.

He was never one to pushed his teammates to talk about it to him, they would come if they wanted to. Most of the times they could deal with their own problems including their love lives but sometimes, they needed a shoulder to lean on and that was when Junhui came in.

There were other hyung too but probably because he had been in a relationship with his fellow teammates, Minghao, for the longest time that the others thought he would be more experienced... _More understanding._

The two had been a thing ever since they met back when they were trainees, both being Chinese of course the two would be close. Even though at first they clashed a lot since their personalities were the complete opposites but they had learnt to complete each other very well.

After they had become a thing, their relationship didn't change much. Junhui would still be his usual bubbly self and Minghao would be the mature one though sometimes, the roles were reversed.

They had this strong and unique compatibility with each other that had the older Chinese male thought nothing would ever break through them. Because he and Minghao were like the moon and the stars. Inseparable. Unbreakable.

_But he thought wrong._

The more Minghao grown into a fine, young man, the more distant he became towards the older male. Minghao would still joked with him, cuddled with him and stuffs but he felt it.

The distance between them.

  
Slowly but surely, widening with each passing seconds.

Because of their differences in personality and preferences, the younger would often go out with the members around his age who shared the same interest with him especially Mingyu. Junhui didn't mind it though, he wasn't quite a fan of expensive dinner and wine or shopping for branded clothes.

He was more the type to walk around the town and enjoying street food, playing arcades and having fun like he used to back in his hometown, Shenzhen.

But the two were match made in heaven, a perfect companion for one another.

Or so he thought.

Minghao used to talk about his day, things he experienced while he was away from Junhui. It wasn't so often anymore, now that he had grown into an adult, Minghao had learnt to keep things for himself and only went to the older male when something really big or new happened.

Junhui didn't mind it.

When Minghao sneaked out of the dormitory to enjoy a night walk and took photos of the night sky, he went back around 2AM thinking that everyone was asleep but Junhui wasn't, he was awake.

Junhui didn't mind it.

Or when Minghao blushed over the talk the group had while having a dinner with wine for the first time together about future, kids and a wife. Junhui knew it was meant to be general, gender neutral talk but he couldn't help the slight pang in his chest when Minghao shyly said he wanted to have two kids.

_Each to have mine and my wife's personality or maybe a mix of both, it would be great—_ the younger said.

Of course Junhui wasn't a complete idiot, he knew how risky their future would be if they were to continue their relationship. He knew that whatever they had between them was only temporary.

_His feelings should be too—_ he said to himself for the nth times.

He also knew that unlike him who had Fengjun to continue the family's bloodline, Minghao was an only child which mean he had to be the one to continue his family's bloodline.

_It was a mere dream—_ he said to himself.

Again and again and again yet it seemed like his heart couldn't grasp the idea of it.

_Only for a moment, perhaps until they both found their true companion—_ he said, though it hurted more than thousands needless piercing through his heart.

But Junhui wasn't blind. He wasn't a fool either.

So he enjoyed the time they had while it lasts because there were no banquets in this world that didn't end.

But no matter how many times he told himself not to fall deeper for the younger, he couldn't.

He loved every bits of Minghao, from his features, his personality, his everything.

His deep almond eyes that twinkled with stars every time he talked, turning into beautiful crescents when he smiled or laughed.

His cute nose that Junhui loved to booped, or nuzzled against which always earned him a high pitched giggle that he loved to hear.

His soothing voice, sweet like honey. Turning a pitch higher when he laughed.

His soft and plush lips, Junhui loved it when the corner of the younger's lips curved into a tiny smile or when he pouted when something didn't go his way.

His long and slender fingers that were always adorned by expensive rings that Junhui couldn't understand the perks of them at all, but he loved it. He loved how those expensive rings made Minghao looked even more stunning. It was what he deserves anyway.

He loved everything about the younger male, from his unique personality to his habits. Everything about Minghao was perfect in Junhui's eyes. He was perfect. No flaws would dare to stood next to him (Junhui would've kicked it out of the way before it could get close to the younger anyway).

And after painting every inch of the younger on the back of his mind, Junhui realised that he was nothing compared to the bright love of his life. _He had nothing._

Compared to Minghao's light, he was so much more dull and plain. Couldn't even shine on his own without the younger supporting him. But still, even so... Junhui couldn't help but to offer his whole heart for the younger male. It was the only thing he could offer after all.

But Junhui couldn't help the slight pain in his chest when the younger joked to their members that he and Junhui were only playing around, not committing any serious relationship; _I have to continue my family's bloodline hyung, obviously Junhui hyung can't give me that._

Junhui smiled at that, hearing the laughter from their members at the younger's joking tone but he knew, more than anyone else in this world that it was the younger, telling him not to get too attached to him.

But he couldn't help the slight jealousy in his heart when the younger came back from his double date with Mingyu, all smiley and happy. The rosy cheeks, the small giggles and the twinkling in his eyes as he texted someone on his phone over the night while lying on the bed next to the older male.

Because more than anyone else in this world, Junhui knew better, that he could never be the one for Minghao and it hurts. It hurts. _It hurts like hell. _

He wanted to cry. He wanted to scream. But instead, he buried those feelings deep, deep inside.

Because his voice would never be heard by the younger.

  
Because his feelings would never be able to reach him.

  
Because to Junhui, Minghao's existence was like the sun in his life and he was the Icarus.

  
Two that simply couldn't be together.

So instead, he cherished every moments with the younger, when Minghao would playfully teased him or sneaked into his bed at night. When Minghao would steal quick kisses from him in the practice room or when they did a quick blowjob in the company's toilet or dress room.

He loved it when the younger looked at him with heart eyes, as if he was the only one in his life.

_It was a foolish thought—_ he reminded himself.

Because he would never be the one for Minghao.

* * *

Sometimes Junhui felt like he wasn't enough for the younger, _he knew_ he wasn't enough but he shrugged the thoughts off. Because Minghao was the first one to make him feel all sort of things, because he was the one who made him felt alive so he wanted to do the same to the younger... If not, at least he wanted to be there for him.

No matter how long time had passed by, Minghao would stay the same in Junhui's eyes. Still the same boy who took his breath away. Still the same boy who gave him the courage to be himself.

Junhui once prayed to whoever gods up there, for a slight change in his fate. He wanted to hold the younger one more time. One more lifetime. But he ended up laughing at himself, _pathetic_.

The more time passed by the more he felt attached to Minghao, the more he didn't want to let go. Minghao had become someone important in his life and Junhui hated to admit that he had become someone that he thought he wouldn't be.

By the time he realised that he was helplessly and madly in love with the younger, it was no longer a crush but rather something that was threatening to burst out of him. And he couldn't do anything to prevent it from happening.

He couldn't just act like there was nothing between them but the smile on Minghao's face as he told him about his date with a girl had his heart faltered for a moment. It made him second guessed everything that ever happened between them. Were they even real?

Was he the only one in love?

And so he realised, he could probably no longer hold the younger male in his arms anymore.

He could probably no longer able to steal a kiss from him,

  
Or a hug

  
Or a touch

So that night, Junhui gave everything of him to Minghao. Everything he could offer, all for Minghao to take. Under the dim moonlight, in the silence of a cold November night... Two became one.

Feelings resonated in the air, mixed with heavy grunts and hot puffs of breaths. That night, Junhui gave Minghao his everything. His heart, his mind, his body... _His existence_.

But eventually the members picked up the trails. _Junhui loved Minghao._

Jeonghan had expressed his concerns very clearly towards Junhui, he asked for the male to tell Minghao the truth before he got hurt even more. But Junhui gently shook his head, a smile on his face as he made sure that Jeonghan wouldn't tell the younger about his feelings.

He didn't want Minghao to change, sure, even though the younger accepted him for who he was but who would guarantee that he wouldn't change when he found out, Junhui really was in love with him?

Sure, the two were in a relationship but both of them knew the unspoken truth. It was only for the sake of their comforts. Being an idol didn't really let you had the warm touch of a lover, the two were males in their 20s and had so much youthfulness inside them.

An unspoken agreement between the two wouldn't hurt right?

Minghao was not in the wrong at all,_ it was Junhui._

It was Junhui who fell in love first and then after that, he was the one who continuously lying and hurting.

_I would hold onto this for as long as I could—_ was his answer to Seungcheol's question.

And as long as he could did he hold on.

* * *

"I think we should stop."

Junhui looked up from his phone, his eyes flashed nothing but if only the younger could see the no longer beating heart of his, the lump in his throat and the tears swelling inside him.

"Okay."

"It's umm..." The younger fidgeted, looking at the older male from under his long bangs.

"I met a girl... She's from an idol group too and I think we get along pretty well," the younger said.

"Oh..."

"Can I... Can I talk to you about her?"

Junhui looked at the younger, his cheeks were slightly flushed and he fidgeted with the hem of his oversized sweater sleeves. _Junhui's _sweater_._

His heart sank, he could feel thousands of needles pricking his heart over and over again._ It hurts._

"Sure," Junhui replied with a soft smile, patting the spot next to him.

The younger smiled as he let out a relieved breath and sat next to Junhui,

"I thought you would be mad at me..."

"Why?"

"I mean... I was thinking that what if I hurt you by doing this, you know? Suddenly dropping whatever thing we had between us."

_Thing._

"That you're actually in love and you know, had your feelings involved," the younger laughed.

"It would be so weird if you did, glad to know you didn't."

_But I did._

"I know," Junhui smiled weakly.

"Now, there's so much I wanted to tell you about her!" The younger beamed with happiness.

So Junhui listened.

He listened and listened and _listened_ until he could no longer feel his heart, until he could no longer sustain his breathing, until he could no longer feel the pricking pain in his heart... Until he no longer could feel his own existence.

"She's like the sweetest ever gē, you won't actually believe how cute she is!" The younger exclaimed happily.

The Minghao in front of him was so happy, like a little child telling his parents that he had a crush. Cute almost shyly. The side he thought would never see from the younger, Minghao was so beautiful and he couldn't help but to looked longer at his beaming face.

But the Minghao in front of him felt like a stranger. To Junhui, this wasn't like Minghao at all. As if the younger was suddenly blinded by a sudden love... Perhaps it was just his heart telling him of his own jealousy.

"Do you think she's the one? I mean, I'm planning on telling my mom about her because god, she's just the sweetest and you know, she's like what people usually say uhmm I think it's adorkable?? It's just, she's not afraid of dropping her stage/idol image in front of me and I think it's cute."

_It hurts._

"You sure?"

"Yeah, why not?" Minghao looked to the side.

"Gē, we literally clicked like the ones in romance movies," the younger giggled.

_It hurts._

"She likes what I like and share the same interest too, she's very talented and sweet... Hmm she also likes kids!"

_It hurts._

"But I think it's too soon?"

"What are you talking about?"

"I mean, you just met her... Give it a time perhaps?" The younger furrowed his brows.

"You took your time with me— _us_, Minghao... I know you're not someone who could easily say the words love just like that, remember how long it took us to get right where we are now?" Then Minghao laughed.

** _"Gē, she's not you."_ **

_It hurts_

"She's a woman okay? Not a man, of course it wouldn't take longer than you," the younger shook his head in amusement.

"No offense but it's kind of pretty easy to fall for the opposite of your gender, I mean you don't see them everyday besides she would be a great mother to our kids."

_It hurts it hurts it hurts it hurts it hurts it hurts it hurts it hurts it hurts it hurts it hurts it hurts it hurts IT HURTS!!!_

"Okay."

  
And so he let go.

He let go of the last thing that kept him alive.

He let go of his life.

* * *

Not much changed after what happened between the two and Junhui was excellent as always in hiding his emotions. Jumping around and joking like his usual self.

Minghao seemed to be busy with his newly interest of his life, talking with Mingyu. His hands swaying around in the air as he explained something to the male, probably about his date. The two laughed heartily and Junhui watched as Minghao adjusted his oversized jacket, _Junhui's_ oversized jacket.

Junhui certainly hoped that no one noticed his heartbreak, it would be so painful for him to explain why. He didn't even want to think about it anymore. All he wanted to do was... Nothing.

He just wanted to lay on his bed and stared into the space until he disappeared into thin air.

Days, weeks and months had passed and Junhui was still acting the same. Pretending he never noticed the couple rings Minghao had or when the younger sneaked outside their dormitory to meet the girl.

Still acting as the happy and bubbly Junhui.  
Who cried silently in his bed.

  
Who sobbed like a little child in the shower.

  
Who played with his food with no interest.

  
Who refused the offer to go out on a food hunting.

  
Who shook his head weakly when the members offered to order Chinese food for their dinner.

Eventually, one way or another, the members would soon realised there was something wrong with him and Minghao but it seemed like the younger was the only one who didn't.

  
"There _is_ something between them," Wonwoo hissed.

"But... But I thought...?"

"Is this about the girl he talked to Mingyu?" Joshua whispered.

"Seems like Minghao is head over heels with the girl," Wonwoo rolled his eyes.

"Why can't he realised that the girl is only playing with him? It's obvious that she's trying to get into his bed for fuck's sake."

"She's mean to Jun hyung, I don't like her."

"Gyu said he's so helplessly in love."

"Obviously not for long," Seungkwan rolled his eyes, earning a pinch from Hansol.

"What? Don't tell me no one actually realise his heart eyes for Jun hyung?"

"..."

"I mean guys, come on!" He whispered frustratedly.

They had to whisper carefully since the subjects of their gossip were in the same room but sat far away from each other as if there was a fucking sea of lava separating the two.

"I do get that Minghao is a lot happier right now like who wouldn't fucking see it," Seokmin accidentally cursed.

"But am I the only who feel that he's genuinely, absolutely and _definitely_ happier back when he was still with Jun hyung?"

"I do think that Minghao hyung is more carefree with Jun hyung... But I don't really want to interfere with his personal life like that, I mean you guys heard that he's going to introduce her to his parents right? Minghao hyung is obviously thinking of his future which includes a wife and kids," Chan said.

"And not to be rude or something but... Jun hyung can't really give him an heir..."

"Also, the management would probably think it's a good exposure since she's from a big agency and famous group."

"But everyone knows that they're in love with each other."

"Except for the two."

The group groaned, when the two announced their relationship, the group actually thought it was real as in _me and Minghao are in love, please look forward to our future together_ kind of relationship.

Who would've thought that it was only for a ... _What? _A taste until they found someone better?

Obviously, the two were so in love together even though Minghao was a little bit reluctant to show it. Perhaps he was trying to remind himself that all of these were just a temporary relationship for them.

That eventually he would find a girl to marry, or that was what he convinced himself of.

When Minghao announced that he was actually in a real relationship with a girl and that everything between him and Junhui was over, they felt _it_.

They could practically see the older male broke into tiny pieces right there and then even if he was laughing at it, trying to cover up his pain with his jokes.

_But everyone knew._

The group could only let out deep sigh at the two, no matter how frustrated they were with them, this was still Junhui and Minghao's personal problem which mean they had no rights over this matter.

Junhui was still over his phone, tapping furiously on it. He didn't like the atmosphere in the practice room, for some unknown reasons he felt even more suffocating being in this room. Perhaps because of the excessive sweating, or the way his teammates were huddled together talking about something, probably the latest gossip.

Perhaps it was because of _Minghao_.

The younger who had a smile on his face while typing something on his phone.  
Junhui let out a deep sigh, he should really tried to forget the younger.

_How???_

Junhui sneered at his inner thoughts,

_Well, for starters stop fucking thinking of him._

It wasn't like Minghao was troubled like him, no, the younger was pretty much alive and happy. Unlike a certain miserable sap like him.

Junhui noticed how Seungcheol and Jeonghan were missing and he didn't like the feeling he got, his stomach churning in discomfort. He just hoped that today would pass like any other day.

But it seemed like goddess of fortune wasn't on his side this time, when did she ever actually?

Jeonghan called him from across the room, drawing the attention of the whole room to him. Junhui knew that look and tried to communicate with Jeonghan by using his eyes. Jeonghan was having none of it as he walked across the room, pulling Junhui up with much difficulty, you would be surprised how strong Junhui could plant his ass on the floor.

Then not a moment after, they heard Seungcheol calling for Minghao too.

* * *

Junhui was glad, beyond glad to be honest. Jeonghan did talk about his current status with the younger male but he reassured Junhui that Seungcheol wouldn't tell anything about it. The leader was just trying to figure Minghao's grounds with the girl since it would affect SEVENTEEN in the future too.

Junhui told him that he was fine, but he could see in Jeonghan's eyes that the other male didn't believe a thing he said.

He was fine.

_He hadn't reach a devastation point yet—_ he laughed. But the way Jeonghan kept asking whether he was fine or not told him million things. He knew he screwed up bad. He knew he could no longer lie.

His heart had grown tired of all those lies.

But still, he insisted that he was fine. He would be, if Jeonghan gave him time to which had the other male argued. _It had been months—_ he pressed.

But Junhui shook his head, smiling sadly as he looked at the bright blue sky that Minghao liked so much.

"I've been in love with for years Hannie... How could I heal in just months?"

"But if... You had the chance to change something in the past... Would you... Would you choose not to meet Minghao? So that you wouldn't be hurt like this?"

Junhui let out a sigh at Jeonghan's question, he knew that Jeonghan was only worried for his condition but really, Junhui was fine. He had always been fine right?

"No..." He said.

"Why would I? He taught me many things Hannie... Even if it included and ended up in pain."

"Jun..."

"I still wouldn't trade my time with him. It was fun while it lasts."

* * *

He was fine.

He was fine.

He was fine.

He was fine.

_"I am fine."_

Junhui kept chanting the words in his mind that his tongue slipped and spoke in Mandarin loudly.

"Huh? Did you say something gē?" Minghao who was fixing his in-ear looked at him.

"Hm? Nothing, nothing," he smiled and gave the younger thumbs up.

Minghao cheered for him back before he went to Mingyu's side, Junhui let out a relieved sigh. He kept slipping these days, it wouldn't be long before he slipped hard and broke in front of the younger male.

He shook his head to clear his mind, failing to realise the look Jeonghan gave him.

* * *

Junhui had been avoiding the younger like a plaque, he knew it wasn't healthy to do so and soon the younger would pick up the hints too but his heart still wasn't ready to see him, not when the heart he tried so hard to put back together broke into pieces again every time he saw the younger Chinese male.

Eventually he'd grown tired of putting it forcefully back together over and over again.

Junhui was sitting on the couch in their living room, grooming at his cat plushie as if it was an alive one. Then he heard faint noises coming out of the entrance, Minghao was already back from his date.

"Did you see Junnie hyung?"

Junhui's heart dropped at the question, without a second thought he quickly got into the nearest bedroom and locked the door.

"Avoiding him again Jun?" The male jumped on the spot.

"Oh geez! Wonwoo stop scaring me!" Junhui protested.

"Then stop barging into my room every time he's looking for you," Wonwoo rolled his eyes.

"W-well... One, I'm not avoiding him and two, it's because this room is the nearest one to living room!" Junhui defended himself.

"If you keep this up, you're going to die."

"Oh wow, you're really a positive person."

"Stop avoiding him."

"I'm not!"

"If it hurts then tell him the truth."

"It's not—"

"Junnie hyung are you inside?"

Junhui looked at the door in horror then at Wonwoo, his eyes big and watery, pleading for the younger not to reveal his hiding spot. Wonwoo crossed his arms, glaring at Junhui to talk to the younger male. Junhui shook his head frantically and his lips quivered.

Wonwoo mouthed 'fuck you'

Then he pushed Junhui far to the side and opened the door, blocking Minghao who was trying to get inside. The younger looked at him, confused.

"He's not here Hao, why don't you look somewhere else?"

"I did, he's not in the other dorm... Is he outside? But I thought he didn't like walking alone..."

"Well things changed Hao... _People_ changed," Wonwoo emphasized the word 'people'.

"Who knows, maybe he's out there with his boyfriend or something," Wonwoo shrugged.

Junhui swore he thought his eyeballs were going to fall out of his sockets when he heard Wonwoo's words.

"Boyfriend?"

"Yeah sure, you're not the only one with a lover Hao."

"But he didn't tell me anything though..."

"Not everything should be told besides who are you to him? It's not like he owes you an explanation or something."

Wonwoo's words were like a cold splash to his face, it had the younger faltered momentarily. Then he thought back again, he did say there was nothing between him and Junhui but at least the older could tell him about this? He thought they were brothers?

"O-oh... Okay, thanks hyung," the younger said before he left.

Wonwoo closed the door and gave Junhui a look, crossing his arms on his chest.

"What the fuck Wonu?" Junhui whispered.

"Boyfriend? So much for a lie?? You know I can't keep up with too many lies right???"

"Well, at least now he won't be bothering you."

"Thanks but a boyfriend???? Where do I find one????"

* * *

It had been months, fucking months and Minghao never once saw Junhui anywhere even in their dormitory. He did see the older male when they had schedules but Junhui always choose the furthest seat from him in interviews, and always seemed to be busy talking with either Jeonghan or Wonwoo.

He wasn't a fool to not picked up the hints, the older Chinese male was avoiding him.

And Minghao was getting very frustrated by it, he wanted to confront the other male in case he did something wrong but how could he do any of that when Junhui avoided him like a fucking plaque?

"I don't understand Gyu," Minghao groaned.

"Why is he avoiding me like that???"

"Maybe he needs his personal space? You know that we can't really know what is going on inside his head right?"

"Exactly!" Minghao scoffed.

"What if he actually needs someone by his side??? What if— what if he's sad or something?"

Mingyu held back the urge to roll his eyes and spat_ took you long enough to realise he's sad_ to the male in front of him.

"And why do you care? He's like older than you and can very well take care of himself.

"No Gyu, you don't understand," Minghao groaned and put his glass of wine down.

"Junnie hyung is like the most stubborn person on earth okay? And he is never one to speak up about his feelings. If he wants something he won't say it like_ I want it_ or something but instead he pushed it deep deep down in his heart until they bottled up like some sick emotions and when it overflows? He will pushed it even deeper than before. Junnie hyung always put someone else before him and that's not okay, that's wrong."

"Woah you sounded like a _husband_ to him," Mingyu said almost sneering.

"Of— wait, I'm what?" Minghao looked at him in disbelief.

"Isn't that supposed to be normal? I mean don't you guys know about that too?"

"Well... We're not the one spoiling and fucking him for years so... I don't know Hao," Mingyu shrugged.

"We fucked _once_ Kim Mingyu, only that time," Minghao squinted his eyes.

"Yeah and you never once think why he never fuck with anyone else? You do realise that other are thirsting over him right? Like he could get someone to suck his dick with a snap of his fingers."

"He— he does?"

Maybe, Xu Minghao wasn't as smart as Mingyu thought he was.

"Yeeaaaahhh probably because you're the only one he paid attention to so..." Mingyu trailed.

_Shit. Wonwoo is going to kill me._

"What do you mean?"

"I mean— you're like his brother and stuffs..."

"What stuffs?"

"I don't know, maybe you should ask him yourself."

"Kim Mingyu stop fucking around, did you know something? Why is everyone acting like I did something bad? All I ever did was... Nothing? Exactly nothing yet you guys treated me like a criminal."

"You—"

Mingyu was at loss, Minghao was actually so fucking dense he didn't even realise what he did wrong. _Who_ did he hurt so bad that the other members couldn't look at him in the face and treated him the same way like before.

Mingyu was happy for his best friend, he truly did but not like this. This wasn't the Minghao he knew, not that he against the other male dating someone else but it was too soon. Minghao fell for the girl too fast, he was too blinded by the idea of having to continue his family's bloodline that he changed into a completely different man.

Of course Mingyu couldn't blame Minghao too, the girl was just... _Too perfect._ Too perfect to be true so he did his research, even if she was from a famous girl group there was no way he'd let his best friend dating someone without knowing their background.

And that was when he found out all those sweetness, and attitude were fake. The company had told her to get closer to Minghao because it would be good for the company's stock since SEVENTEEN was currently rising. Even if her own group was famous too but the exposure from a dating news couldn't be compared to anything.

He tried to tell Minghao but was stopped by Wonwoo, the other male told him that even if Mingyu cried blood telling him the truth, Minghao wouldn't just easily believe him. After all, she never once showed her wicked side to Minghao. It would only worsened the situation.

So he held back, for the sake of... _Of what?_

Now that he thought of it, Junhui was deeply hurted by him, their group would be dragged into this if those medias decided to release their footages and who would take the downfall? Of course their group. Her agency was a big one, her group was loved by the general public of Korea and International. It didn't take less than a braincell to figure that they were risking everything for Minghao's selfishness and got Junhui deeply hurted in return.

_Junhui deserved better._

"You did nothing wrong? Hao everything is wrong!" Mingyu yelled in frustration.

"Ever since you met her nothing was ever right! I— I don't even know where to start... Wow... You're so unbelievable."

"What the fuck do you mean???"

"Maybe for a starter, ask manager hyung to look into your girlfriend's background then think over what have you done the past months."

"Why would I—"

"Just do it Hao," Mingyu hissed.

"It really takes a lot of self controls not to punch you in the face right now so don't test me, talk to me again after you figured everything."

With that Mingyu left him alone, too shocked to do anything. Why did the other male acted so weirdly like that? What the fuck did he actually do? Why was everyone treating him like a bad guy and as if his girlfriend was someone not good?

Minghao groaned in frustration and decided to call for their manager.

* * *

"Jun you need to go fly back to China or something," Jeonghan suddenly said, pulling the Chinese male from the couch.

"Wha—"

"What is it? Tickets? Wonwoo will give you."

"But—"

"What? Permission? Seungcheol will talk to the agency don't worry, Jihoon and I will handle the rest now go and pack— no wait, don't. Just go straight away to the airport we'll be right behind with your clothes," Jeonghan said in one breath, pushing the confused male out of the living room.

"Wait wait wait wait!" Junhui abruptly stopped.

Jeonghan groaned in frustration at the Chinese male's strength, he was basically planting his heels to the floor. He couldn't even move him an inch, he let out another frustrated groan.

"Whaatt???? What is it????? Money??? Phone??? Friend????"

"Why would you suddenly— no, Hannie we have a schedule tomorrow. I can't just go?"

"I told you, Seungcheol will take care of everything."

"That doesn't makes any sense though? Hannie why are you being like this?"

The two stood for quite sometime in the hall now, the other members had already followed them. Definitely concerned with Jeonghan's weird action.

"Jeonghan hyung, what's wrong?"

Suddenly they heard Wonwoo's voice from the back,

"I'm going to fucking kill you Kim Mingyu."

"I'm sorry okay?? Look you don't know how frustrating it is to listen to him!!" The younger whined.

"Now imagine being friends with the world's most dumbest person Wen Junhui! And did I ever slip?? No Gyu, I did not."

Before Junhui could respond to the not so direct insult, the front door was opened and showed a very disheveled Xu Minghao, his shirt sticking to his body like a second skin because of the sweat, his breathing was erratic and his hair was a mess as if he had been pulling on them for a long time.

"Wen—"

Before he could finish his words, Junhui was already freeing himself from Jeonghan's grip and ran away to his room. He heard series of curses in Mandarin and footsteps from behind, chasing him.

_Shit shit shit shit shit shit shit shit shit shit shit SHIT!!!!_

Junhui breathed in relief when he saw the door to his room but before he could close it, someone else had forcefully slipped inside, slammed the door shut and tackled him to the floor.

Junhui let out a groan when his back hit the hard floor, he blinked the blurry image in front of him and gulped harshly, it was Minghao, on top of him and pinning him down to the floor. His gaze was fiery and he looked pissed.

"H-hey Hao, I didn't know it was—"

"Don't," the younger hissed.

"Don't you fucking dare say you didn't know it was me gē," Minghao squinted his eyes.

"You know too fucking well that I've been looking for you! Think I didn't notice that you're fucking avoiding me huh?? Try again Wen Junhui!"

Junhui flinched at the younger's angry tone, the hands pinning him down were now gripping his wrists in dead locks, almost hurting him. He could feel the younger's frustration but couldn't utter a single excuse for his action.

"Why didn't you tell me???" Minghao growled

**[ "Did he know??"**

**"I think he called manager hyung already."**

**"Fuck now he knows." ]**

  
"T-tell you what?" Junhui stuttered, his heart was beating rapidly in panic.

"That she said those words to you!"

Junhui blinked one, two times before his brain processed what he just heard.

"W-words...?"

**[ "Nope. He doesn't."**

**"Still the same idiot amphibian." ]**

"You know damn well gē! Why didn't you tell me?? Had I known she was being rude to you I... I would've done something! Gē, you know I care about you right???" Now Minghao sounded desperate.

_Not in the way I wanted you too..._

"Minghao that's fi—"

"No that's not! She called you names! How could it be fine????? It's not fine for me!" The younger gritted his teeth.

"Why? Why didn't you say anything about that?? Why did you let her do something hurtful like that to you? Why aren't you saying anything??? Gēge why??? Why are you not telling me anything???"

**[ "Obviously because you're busy showing off your love life to him."**

**"Ouch!" Mingyu hissed.**

**"But seriously though, I think Minghao hyung is the most dense person on earth. How could he not know why?"**

**"Frogs only have two eyes and apparently, he used that on his girlfriend only."**

**"Bitches be like why but forgetting they don't really pay attention to someone else other than his girl." ]**

Junhui let out a snort, if only the younger knew why. But of course, he didn't so Junhui just kept his mouth shut. It was already hard maintaining a straight face when the younger was so close to him but now that the younger was demanding reasons from him, Junhui almost couldn't breathe anymore.

"Why do you care?"

The words had came out harsher that he initially planned to, he held back a wince at how shocked the younger was hearing his harsh tone. This was probably the first time Junhui had ever spoken to him this way.

"Why do.... Why do I care?" Minghao's eyes were wide, his lips were trembling.

"Of course I care!!! I love you gē and you're like my brother! You're a family to me of course I care!" Junhui smiled coldly.

**[ "If this ended up not resolved I'm going to fucking drill their heads."**

**"Wow Cheol hyung, easy."**

**"I'll help you tie them."**

**"Or locked them in a cabinet or something." ]**

"It's none of your business Hao, as long as she's nice to you then it shouldn't matter."

"Why shouldn't it matter?"

"Because like you said Hao, like you said for years!" Junhui snapped back.

"WE'RE NOTHING!" His eyes were red, trying so hard to held back the tears.

"We're nothing and will never be anything! Why should it matter to you that she said those words to me??? Why should it matter to you that she called me names????? We're nothing Hao, we're fucking nothing! So don't you try to dictate me on what I should and shouldn't do! It's none of your fucking business!" He spat.

"BUT YOU DIDN'T TELL ME THAT YOU HAVE FEELINGS FOR ME GODDAMMIT WEN JUNHUI!!!" The younger roared back.

"BECAUSE YOU DIDN'T! AND I DON'T! I DON'T HAVE FEELINGS FOR YOU XU FUCKING MINGHAO!!! STOP THINKING THAT YOU'RE THE ONLY ONE IN MY LIFE! STOP ACTING LIKE I ONLY HAVE EYES ON YOU! STOP FUCKING ASSUMING THAT I BLOODY FUCKING LOVE YOU!!!" Junhui yelled at the top of his lungs, tackling the younger by surprise so that their position was reversed.

**[ The other 11 members widened their eyes as they listened,**

**"Did Wen Junhui just fucking confessed?"**

**"This dumb cat," Wonwoo rubbed his face.**

**"Now it's game on." ]**

Minghao blinked as he felt tear drops on his face, he wasn't crying but Junhui did. The older male was now looking at him with red eyes, glistening with tears as his chest heaving up and down for air. It looked like Junhui was forced to say something he didn't want to or a secret he was desperately trying to keep.

This was the first time he saw the older male cried, Minghao didn't know what to do so he just stared dumbfounded.

One, two and three droplets fell onto his cheeks, rolling down to his sides. Junhui was now covering his face with the sleeves of his shirt, making choked gurgling noises. There must be a lot of bottled up feelings inside him that his body shook from his cries, the younger didn't mind the weight on top of him.

Then unconsciously he raised both his hands and pried Junhui's hands away from his face, the elder refused, shaking his head but the younger was stronger and finally pulled them away.

Junhui had his eyes closed, tears and snot were all over his face, hiccuping once in a while. Then Minghao caressed his cheeks ever so softly, wiping his tears and snot away. The older male made a protest sound, _dirty—_ he whispered.

"Look at me gē..." Minghao said as he cupped Junhui's face, the older's hands were now on his chest, supporting his weight.

Junhui shook his head, still closing his eyes tight.

"Junnie gē..." He called again, this time in Mandarin.

"I look ugly Hao," finally he got a response.

"You're always beautiful in my eyes gē, please look at me."

"You're lying..." Minghao held back the urge to chuckle when Junhui's bottom lip jutted out in a pout.

"You can't do this to me Hao... Y-you... C-can't..." Junhui's voice cracked.

"I know and I'm sorry, gēge please look at me," this time he pleaded.

It was silent for a few moments before Junhui took a deep breath, he opened his eyes slowly and Minghao's heart clutched in pain.

He thought he was ready to face the older male, he thought he had his heart ready but boy was he wrong.

He couldn't utter a single words upon seeing the older's red and puffy eyes, cheeks slightly flushing from earlier cries and lips red from the excessive biting. Junhui looked so fragile... _So broken._

And he was a fool.

For not realising sooner.

He was a fool.

"I look ugly Hao..." Junhui whispered.

"I'm sorry," Minghao said.

"It's not your—"

"It is my fault gē... Everything is my fault."

"B-but—"

"All I need was for you to say it... Why won't you gē? I was waiting for you the whole time..."

"S-say what Hao...? What do you want me to say?"

"Your feelings."

Junhui's heart dropped.

"Your truth."

His hands clutched onto the younger's shirt.

"Your everything."

"N-no... You're— you're wrong Hao... I'm not—"

"Gē please, no more lies."

Junhui's breath hitched at the younger's words. It felt a lot harsher than he knew the younger had originally planned to, perhaps because he knew exactly just how many lies he had been telling of or perhaps because he had stopped counting like years ago when they became too heavy for him to bear.

"I'm not..." Minghao sighed.

"I waited years gē... How could I know when you keep lying to me about it? I literally had to put the pieces from the others together to figure your true feelings."

"But Hao—"

"No, listen to me please... Just this time."

Junhui bit his lip but nodded nonetheless, waiting for the younger male to talk.

"I lied," he started.

"When I said that I didn't love you or had any feelings for you... I do, so much that I don't know what to do about it. And then I tried to find out your feelings towards me too, whether it was mutual or not but then you kept on lying. Every time I said that we're nothing or every time that I mentioned about having to continue my family's bloodline... You said nothing, not a single words about it and then I started to think that maybe... _Maybe I was the only one_."

The younger was now caressing the older's cheeks gently with his thumbs,

"You keep lying and eventually, I convinced myself that you don't have the same feelings as I do so perhaps, I should really forget about it and then I met her, she was nice to me and understand me well... I started to let go of my feelings for you, heck, perhaps I should focus on my future, about kids and stuffs," Minghao let out a shaky laugh.

"I tried for the last time, telling you about how much I love her. Trying to see how would you react but then, you did nothing again. I started to think that you were in this relationship just because you took a pity on me or something and then I noticed how the other members were acting weird around me especially when I mentioned her or when I'm next to you,"

"That's—"

"Gē," the younger warned him.

"Sorry."

"But the more I tried to talk to you, the more distant you felt so eventually I thought you really had no feelings and perhaps hate me. I guess it was easy to fall for her because at that time I was so frustrated by our situation and I looked for the easy way to forget you... I— I wanted to show you that I'm capable of being happy even without you but I couldn't and it made me so frustrated. Why couldn't I forget you even when I had the reasons to?" Minghao's brown eyes were so soft that Junhui almost drowned in them.

"But no matter how happy I was with her, I was happier when I'm with you. No matter how frequents she made me smile or laugh, I couldn't compare her to you. She was sweet, so did you. She was cheerful, so did you. She was caring and so did you. I saw you in everything I do gē and it frustrates me, she was everything I could've asked for but you were the one in eternity for me. Nothing and no one could compare to you, I'm the most complete when I'm with you and then I talked to Mingyu and he kind of slipped, he told me to ask our manager for her background and that was when I found out that she was hurting you and that she wasn't as good as she seemed to be in front of me. I didn't know that this whole time, you were hurted by her. Had I known, I would've stopped her..."

By now Junhui was already crying again, even as the younger wiped the tears away they wouldn't stop, streaming down his cheeks uncontrollably.

"Everything she gave to me was all fake. An act and none of them were sincere. I didn't know what to feel, hurt because the girl I loved lied to me? Glad because I found out right before introducing her to my parents? Or guilty because she hurted the one person that matters the most to me?"

Junhui shook his head, his hands gripping tightly on Minghao's as if he wanted to bury his crying face in the younger's palms.

"Then our managers asked me; _Did you know that Jun likes you? I think he was hurting pretty bad when you announced your relationship with her._ and it hit me hard, harder like any storm could ever be. Even _they_ knew gē, why did you hide yourself from me?"

Junhui continued to sob even harder than before, his whole being was aching and it hurted so bad he wanted to die. If only he wasn't so selfish, thinking of himself only. He was so focused on his own heartbreak without realising that the younger also went the same thing as he did.

How was he supposed to feel after hearing all of this? Happy? But then why was his heart aching so badly?

"I'm— I'm sorry Hao... I didn't mean to hurt you," Junhui sobbed.

"No gēge, I should be the one to apologise to you," the younger shook his head.

"I should've given you more time, I shouldn't pushed you over... I could've just waited for you to come out."

"I'm sorry for lying to you."

"No Junnie gē, it's okay... Because I know your truth now," the younger smiled for the first time that day.

"No... You shouldn't... You should hate me for it..."

"How could I hate the one person I've loved for years?" Then Minghao sat up straight, still with Junhui on his lap.

"Junnie gē, I know I hurted you before... So many times that I don't deserve your forgiveness but would you please give me a chance to make it right?" Minghao asked, wiping the tears and snot away from the older's face.

"I..."

"Please say yes," the younger breathed, almost pleading.

"Okay..."

Minghao smiled, so wide that his eyes turned into beautiful crescents. Then he pulled the older down, kissing him deep and slow. Junhui wrapped his arms around the younger's neck, tilting his head to the side.

"Kissing you while you're crying is disgusting gē," the younger teased him after he pulled away.

"Shut up, you said I'm always beautiful," Junhui punched his shoulder lightly.

"And you are," Minghao said, booping their noses together earning a giggle from the older male.

"So... Boyfriends?"

"We could be anything you want gē... _Anything_."

**Author's Note:**

> I wrote this a long time ago and I wasn't so sure why did I think it was good enough back then and didn't realise how messy this was until I edited this 🤦
> 
> I felt something was off with the original title for this story so I spent nearly a day to figure which title suited this story the best and thus I ended with the current one. (I'm not even sure if the summary was even fitting enough for the plotline).
> 
> Forgive me for the angsty one shots that I've been uploading recently, they were from the time when I was feeling really down >_< anyway, thank you to those who made it this far! You guys are the best 💕
> 
> Comments and kudos are always appreciated 💕
> 
> I work better with a [coffee](https://ko-fi.com/junkyunist)
> 
> Hmu on [twt](https://twitter.com/junkyunist__?s=09) to talk about Seventeen, Day6 and Monsta X (also OOR & MFS hard stan)
> 
> Ask me stuffs or send me JunHao prompts on [cc](https://curiouscat.me/junkyunist__)


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